Jack and Jill

Dear Jack,

I’m trying to be an understanding sister because you were hurt yesterday, but what the hell were you thinking? I traipsed all the way up that hill, lugging those stupid metal buckets. The path was narrow and steep, and I broke three nails on the way up. My manicure was destroyed!

I know you don’t care about the manicure. You said I wasted my money on the fake nails and polish, anyway. But that manicure cost me a full week’s pay. And babysitting all those miserable brats in the Old Lady’s shoe is not easy! Do you have any idea what it’s like to wipe more snotty noses than you can count? And the diapers! I swear the Old Lady keeps Pampers in business all on her own.

The broken nails weren’t the worst of it, though. Last night, I had a date with Peter Piper. Well, I was supposed to have a date with him. That’s what the manicure was for. But, after I tumbled down the hill after you, I had to go all around the mulberry bush helping Humpty Dumpty pick up his pieces. He fell off the wall trying to catch you as you rolled past him. Poor Humpty was a mess, crying all these yolky tears. You know the King’s men couldn’t even put him back together the last time he fell. They had to fly in a specialist from Boston. Fortunately, this time wasn’t as bad.

Humpty and I finally found all his pieces, and Mother Goose came running over to tell me you had a bad gash on your head. They’d tried to take you to the hospital, but London Bridge was falling down and they couldn’t get you to the other side. She wanted me to know King Cole’s private physician was stitching you up over at the castle. Nobody cared that my head, shoulders, knees, and toes were all dirty and bruised. No one cared about my manicure, either. Still, I would have come to see you right then. You are my brother, after all, and I care what happens to you. I was on my way, in fact, when three blind mice raced past me. The Farmer’s wife had been chopping carrots and had accidentally cut off their tails! The mice were screeching so loud, I didn’t hear Boy Blue blowing his horn in warning. Next thing I knew, the wheels on the bus almost ran right over me!

By this time, it was getting late and I knew I’d never make it back to town in time for my date. I couldn’t call Peter because my cell phone shattered under one of those stupid metal pails. So I stopped at Miss Muffet’s house to use her phone. She was eating a big bowl of porridge, which, by the way, smelled delicious. My stomach grumbled to remind me of the appetite I’d built up from all the running around. I was dialing the phone when suddenly Muffet shrieked loud enough to burst my eardrums. Her bowl went flying through the air, smashed on the floor, and splattered bits of porridge all over me. The stuff was even in my hair! When I finally managed to calm her down, she told me she’d been frightened by a spider that sat down beside her. I checked, and it was an itsy, bitsy spider! I practically needed a magnifying glass to see it.

I cleaned myself up as best I could, then finally made the call to Peter. His roommate Jack Horner answered, and told me Peter had left long ago. He thought I stood him up, so he took Bo Peep to Old MacDonald’s for fresh pumpkin pie. And you know how Bo Peep is. She wears those frilly dresses and bats her long lashes, while putting on the helpless girl act. The guys always fall for it, too. I’ve probably lost my chance with Peter now.

All of this wouldn’t be nearly as upsetting if I could make the least bit of sense out of you insisting I meet you up on that hill in the first place. I can’t believe you fell for that nonsense Muffin Man told you. Did you honestly think there was a magical well up on that hilltop? Water does not flow uphill! I’m sorry you’re injured, Jack, but yesterday was the absolute worst day of my life and I’m exhausted. I won’t be picking you up at the castle. London Bridge is completely destroyed, so you’ll have to row your boat down the stream. I plan to spend the day in bed, with the covers over my head. Queen of Hearts brought over some hot cross buns. You can have those for dinner. Please don’t disturb me.

Your sister,


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